In The Beginning…
A little buzzed on coffee, I need to get back to more mundane (and far less enjoyable) daily activities than creating art. Sadly. But I thought I’d try to think out loud here for a moment.
When I first worked up the nerve to tell someone that I wanted to make art - and it was a surprisingly difficult thing to do at the time - I blurted out, “I want to paint!” Actually it was a much more grandiose fantasy inside my head. I intended to move to a new city, pick up a new circle of friends and develop a burgeoning romantic entanglement. I was going to work during the day and study art and create art by night. When I was able to return to that fabled city things were very different. My romance fizzled, my friends had their own stuff going on and I found myself stuck mostly in my hotel room avoiding the harsh light of an Australian summer, moping and watching bad television.
Occasionally I would wander out to see the outside world. And at one point I walked past a book store. It was packed with books, unsurprisingly, but also with art supplies. Clearly expressing an interest in creating art and actually creating art were different things, and in retrospect this encounter was a catalyst of epic proportions. But I was still tentative, awkward. I bought an A5 sketchbook and some watercolour pencils and a paintbrush. If it weren’t for the thought that I’d have to bring it all back with me on a plane I would’ve bought more. But this was a beginning. I scribbled, I drew, I wrote. I filled those pages with fears and hopes and dreams and observations. To be honest to look at them yes they are crude but they were very necessary - as much to my own mental and emotional health as my desire to create art.
I guess the thing that I am most conscious of of late is the bearing how I feel has on the art I produce. Sometimes I can be quite deliberate and cautious (and frankly, nervous). Other times I throw caution - and acrylic paints and other things - to the wind. I like how producing the latter feels, and often I like how the former looks. Though even this isn’t a hard and fast rule. I want to make my art practice all about process but in truth most of my energy goes into emotional management - into trying to not to judge my own work so much (or so harshly), into feeling less scared to try things and to share.
